


Even Evil Omniscient Bastards Have Birthdays

by vampirejanuary



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Birthday Presents, But No Actual Worms, Everyone Hates Elias Bouchard, Mentions of Canon-Typical Worms, Really Bad Gift Giving, and he deserves it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:41:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26793043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampirejanuary/pseuds/vampirejanuary
Summary: It's Elias' birthday and it goes about as well as you'd expect (which is to say: very badly).
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	Even Evil Omniscient Bastards Have Birthdays

**Author's Note:**

> I made myself laugh and really that's all that counts.
> 
> Working title: "Habby Birthgay You Greasy Little Evil Man"

“Isn’t it really weird that Elias has the same birthday as Jonah Magnus?” Sasha asked, chewing on the end of her pencil and scrolling through classified police records, “Like, d’you think it’s a job requirement for the Head of the Institute to have that birthday or?”

“Honestly I used to think it was Jonah Magnum, like the ice cream brand.” Tim replied, spinning in his desk chair.

Sasha paused, and looked at him, “That’s so concerning, thankyou for sharing.” A pause, “But it literally says ‘Magnus’ above the front door? How did you-”

“Sorry I’m late don’t tell Jon!” Martin burst through the door, shopping bag in hand, sweating profusely, and looking around wildly for any sight of his boss.

Tim looked indignant and loudly professed his trustworthiness: “I would _never_ tell Jon about you being late, snitches get stitches, I am _outraged_ that you would even _consider_ -”

“Martin? Why are you late?” Summoned as if by magic (and very loud voices), Jon emerged from his office.

“Oh! Um-” Martin shot a glare at Tim, who smiled sheepishly, “I was just, that is I had to, um… well-”

“Do get on with it Martin, I’ve got statements to be recorded.”

“Yes! Sorry, I was just, yes right getting on with it (sorry) um… I forgot it was Elias’ birthday is all and uh, thing is, I had to go buy him a present, because, you know, it’s his birthday…”

Jon suddenly went very pale.

“Birth… birthday?” He muttered, almost to himself.

Tim burst into laughter. Sasha rolled her eyes. Martin blushed, and looked as though he was about to apologise again.

“Greetings everyone, I was just popping in to-”

“Holy Jesus shitting Christ- I’m sorry Elias, _fuck_ , you just, ah, surprised me, carry on.” Elias looked very smug at Jon’s near heart attack, and pointedly pretended not to notice Martin frantically trying to hide his Card Factory shopping bag behind Tim.

“Yes, rather. Anyway, as I was saying, I’m just checking that you’ll all be in attendance at my surprise birthday party this afternoon. It’s sure to be a good one, I spent the last month and half of the anti-worm budget planning it. Also attendance _is_ mandatory.” And at that, he turned and left.

“I’m sorry but what the fuck?”

Before Tim could even finish his sentence, Jon had fled the room muttering something about “greasy little man” and “didn’t even think he _had_ a birthday”.

“I can’t be the only one to think our boss is a weirdo, right? Like, that’s definitely a weird thing to do, isn’t it? Who plans their _own_ surprise party? Please tell me you all agree that this is Not Normal.” Sasha asked.

Martin set down his (reusable – he’s not a _monster_ ) shopping bag and replied, “Yeah that’s super strange, but like, he’s our _boss_ , so…”

“Oh yeah we’ve put up with worse from Jon-”

“Oh _god_ yeah, remember when he told us that any spiders we found in the Archives were an ‘obstruction to justice and should be _shot on sight’_?”

Martin shuddered and Tim nodded emphatically before continuing, “Mhmm yes did I tell you about the time he called himself ‘judge, jury, and executioner’ before squashing one with his shoe? Anyway that’s not important- Elias kind of has a point, when you _think_ about it. Like, you can’t trust people to do your surprise party _properly_ -“

*** 

“So what did you end up getting him?”

It was almost lunch time, and Jon had still not reappeared. Tim had also vanished at some point, making some excuse about surprise birthday preparations and direct orders from Mr Bouchard himself. Thus far, Martin had been tragically unsuccessful in his attempt to find wrapping paper, and had finally given up looking.

He held up his gifts miserably: a ‘Worl’ds Worst Boss’ mug and a generic-looking card. “I can’t believe I had to spend _money_ on this stuff.”

“Worl’ds Worst Boss?”

“Yeah, I asked the guy at the shop if the typo was intentional but he didn’t know. I just hope Elias thinks it’s funny and that he doesn’t fire me. _Oh my god he’s so going to fire me_.”

Sasha patted him sympathetically on the shoulder, and added unhelpfully: “What a way to go, though. Tim’ll think it’s _hilarious_.”

“Thanks, that’s _really_ unhelpful.”

“Aw Martin… Look I know what’ll cheer you up,” She stood up from her desk, “D’you wanna see what I got him?”

Martin nodded miserably, then stared a bit less miserably as Sasha swept aside a sheet to reveal…

“Is that… a _life-sized cardboard cutout of Elias???_ ”

“Absolutely!” Sasha stepped round behind it then ducked down a bit, “Look I even cut out the eyes so you can stand behind it and look through.”

“Well at least we’ll get fired together.”

“I know!” Sasha beamed, “Tim’ll be _so_ jealous!”

*** 

“Sasha,” Tim looked almost scared to ask, “Did you get Elias a… _ghost?_ ”

“What?” She looked at the sheet-covered cardboard cutout in her arms, “Oh no, of _course_ \- what? A _ghost?_ Did you _really-_ ”

Jon walked straight into Sasha and Tim before noticing them. “Oh hello Sasha, Tim. Where’s Martin? Nevermind it doesn’t matter- Has the mandatory surprise party started yet?”

Sasha and Tim shared a Look.

“Nah, not yet mate,” Tim slung his arm over Jon’s shoulders and set off down the corridor, “We’re just heading there now, Martin was just making tea, he’ll be here in a- oh, speak of the devil. Hey Martin.”

At that exact moment, Martin was _very_ intensely focused on not spilling the mug of tea in his hands.

“Worl’ds Worst Boss?”

Martin sighed miserably.

*** 

Elias looked like he was having a _great_ time. Nobody else did, but Elias didn’t really seem to care. He was sat on a comfy office chair like a king on a throne, waving employees forward one at a time to present their gifts.

In the corner, a lonely-looking sailor (although nobody seemed to know why there was a _sailor_ there, Margaret from accounting had tried to ask him about it and no one had seen her since) was sulking.

Tim was also sulking. “As _if_ Elias wasted our worm removal budget on a fog machine, and that creepy guy is over there _hogging_ it all, that’s so _unfair._ ”

“I’m pretty sure Luke from artefact storage just disappeared what the _fuck._ ”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine.” Jon said, waving a hand dismissively, “Do any of you know if Elias likes… banana bread?”

“Oh! Why, have you been baking?” Martin leaned closer to Jon to try and peek into his shopping bag.

“No I- What? _Baking?_ ”

“Seriously, I just watched him _vanish into thin air_ how did none of you _see_ that?”

Before anyone could respond to Sasha, Elias waved her forward.

“Miss James.”

“Hi sir, um, did you just see-”

“Luke from artefact storage disappear into thin air after he wandered too close to my husband over there in the corner?”

“Yes I-”

“No, absolutely not, that’s preposterous. Now-”

“ _Husband?!_ ” Tim interrupted.

“Not for much longer if he keeps _vanishing my employees._ ” He glared pointedly at the man in the corner of the room, who ignored him equally pointedly.

“I thought he was _homophobic_ ,” whispered Tim.

Ignoring Tim, Sasha put the ‘ghost’ down in front of Elias, who was gradually starting to look like he was having a _less great_ time.

She pulled the sheet off dramatically, “Look, it’s you,” then, sticking her fingers through the eye holes, “Argh! Worms are eating your eyes! Look out!”

Elias did not look impressed. “Yes. Rather.”

Sasha grinned wildly.

“Mr Blackwood?”

Martin was starting to look very queasy.

“I, um, got you a, uh, mug,” he held the mug up to demonstrate, “But I was thinking, what are mugs _for_ , right? So, um, I thought, well I sort of hoped, that you would- uh, you might like some tea?” When Elias didn’t immediately respond he continued, “So I made you some tea.”

“Worl’ds Worst Boss?”

“ _Fucking_ hell- I mean, sorry, it’s a- I thought it might be funny? Never mind though.” He scurried awkwardly forward to hand the mug over, along with the card.

Taking a sip from the mug, Elias opened the card.

He choked on the tea. “Happy birthday _Daddy???_ ”

Martin squeaked and went a shocking shade of pink. “ _What?!_ ”

Tim choked on thin air, and Sasha bit down on her knuckles to stifle a laugh. Jon coughed into his hand, also going mildly pink. Fortunately, Elias’ husband did not seem to have noticed the disturbance, still stubbornly ignoring the whole party.

Martin spluttered, and apologised profusely, “I’m _really_ sorry Elias, I didn’t- I mean, _what?_ I thought it was... uh, a different card?” Then, muttering to himself: “ _Idiot_ , why didn’t you _check_ inside the _card oh my god_.”

Sensing Martin’s discomfort, Tim valiantly stepped forwards, “My turn!”

Elias was really _not_ having a great time.

“Now I’ll admit, this took me a while to do, but the work was _well_ worth it, as I’m sure you’ll see,” Tim winked ominously, “But don’t worry, I didn’t waste any of _my_ time on it, _no_ , I did it all today during work hours. You’re _welcome._ ”

Elias was really _really_ not having a great time.

The package was surprisingly well wrapped, with a proper ribbon and everything. Elias took his time opening it, as if he already knew what was in there and desperately wished he didn’t.

“There you go double boss, I know you’re a big directioneer, so I thought you’d appreciate the 2014 one direction annual!” Elias looked like he very much wished he _didn’t_ have a birthday. “And as we all know, there’s only one thing better than a 2014 one direction annual.”

Elias sighed, “Please, Tim, enlighten us. What could possibly be better than a 2014 one direction annual?”

“Why of _course_ Elias, the only thing better than a 2014 one direction annual,” dramatic pause… “Is a 2014 one direction annual with _your_ face stuck over every single photo!”

Elias was really really _really_ not having a great time.

“Jon, please put me out of my misery.”

Jon, who had been watching all of this unfold with a strange curiosity, like a child watching monkeys at the zoo, was now looking _very_ ill at all the attention on him.

“Please, Jon, it couldn’t possibly be any worse than,” Elias gestured at the rest of the archive staff, “ _this_.”

Jon held out the plastic shopping bag weakly. “I think it _could_.”

In complete silence, Elias pulled the ‘presents’ out of the bag.

One loaf of bread, two bananas, and a single, lonely egg.

Elias sighed again.


End file.
